Toxic Parenting?

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)

Recently there was a video trend where parents would say the first few words of a classic parenting phrase, and their children, never having heard these expressions, would complete them with their own words. I’ve seen some touching videos as the children turn a threatening phrase into something very loving.

The captions refer to these classic phrases as toxic. So I typed them out and gave a little thought to each one, asking myself whether I would consider it toxic.

1. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.

Okay, sure, this is politically incorrect since it implies violence. Clearly it is hyperbole, but maybe it’s not the wisest thing to say to a child.

2. Just wait until you have kids.

Not sure what this is even supposed to mean, but I guess the implication is that “your kids will make you miserable just like you’re making me miserable.” So, yes, of course, that idea is toxic. But the phrase could also mean, “Just wait until you have kids and then you’ll understand how much I love you.” The phrase in and of itself is not toxic. It needs context before it can be judged.

3. Children should be seen and not heard.

No one has followed this maxim for several generations. We’ve probably gone too far to the other extreme at this point.

4. I’ll give you something to cry about.

Hmmmmm….

5. As long as you live in my house, you’ll live by my rules.

Screech the brakes. Now hang on a minute. This could be toxic if you’re screaming it at a five-year-old or making rules that forbid your twelve-year-old from ever going anywhere or if you’re otherwise being ridiculous.

But it is not a toxic concept. It’s actually very reasonable.

In fact, if we’re honest, context matters with ALL of these. The people calling them toxic may have indeed grown up in dysfunctional families, but normal families sometimes use some of these expressions too. Maybe they aren’t the best-advised choices of words, but what makes a home toxic— what really constitutes dysfunction— is more than just the use of occasional pat phrases that are rooted in hyperbole. Anger and frustration are normal human emotions, and we all sometimes say things that we don’t mean. Let’s try to avoid doing that, certainly, but when we apply terms like abuse, dysfunctional, bullying, and toxic to normal imperfect human behavior, we diminish the value of the terms, making it harder to confront real and serious cases of abuse, bullying, and suchlike.

Dysfunction is when harsh words outweigh kindness and praise, when criticisms are directed at persons rather than at behaviors, when the parents’ needs and even desires are put ahead of the children’s needs, and when such behavior is the rule rather than the exception.

Toxic parenting is screaming at children, cussing at them, and telling them they were a mistake or no good, or otherwise belittling them. There are toxic phrases that aren’t right or wise to say to anyone in any context.

How about these?

You’re such a disappointment.

I wish you’d never been born.

You’re
stupid
ugly
bad
worthless

The phrases I’ve seen in these trending videos are old-fashioned perhaps, and maybe it’s better not to use them at all. But let’s be careful about how we use words like toxic. Because it’s also possible to abuse a child by providing no boundaries, no discipline, no correction at all. So maybe let’s cut a little slack to the parents who are trying to find the right balance.

There is only one perfect parent, and He isn’t always gentle. But He always shows grace to those who are trying to do what’s right. We need to do the same, toward children and toward parents.

My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, nor detest His correction; for whom the LORD loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights. Proverbs 3:11-12

by Christie Cole Atkins

Dear Heavenly Father, we pray for wisdom as parents. Remind us not to use tradition to justify foolish words, but help us all to show each other grace for our mistakes. Thank You for being the perfect example as our perfect Father. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Related Reading:

Parenting Basics: Requiring First-Time Obedience