Parenting Basics: Requiring First-Time Obedience


Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 15:58

When our five daughters were quite young, my husband took all of them to McDonald’s while I went grocery shopping. Yes, he’s that wonderful, but unfortunately as they were leaving, one of the girls tripped in the parking lot and sustained an injury to her face. They had to load up as quickly as possible and head to the E.R. Not a pleasant memory, but I bring it up to say that in such a moment, it was very important that our children had already learned to obey quickly.

You might argue that in that case, the children only loaded up quickly out of fear, and you might be right. But there are plenty of situations where first-time obedience is important to the parent, but not necessarily to the children.

What if we’re late to church and I’m supposed to be teaching a Bible class, but the kids are enjoying some horseplay or watching Sunday morning Veggie Tales? In that case I am very motivated to leave quickly, but the kids are particularly motivated to stay put.

What if we’re heading to our van in a parking lot and I notice a creepy guy following us and I decide it’s safest to go back inside and get store security? In that case, our lives could depend on the first-time obedience of the children when I tell them to turn around and head back into the store.

If you’ve ever wondered why almost all parenting guides from pamphlets to tomes list “Consistency” as one of the keys to parenting, this is it. Because if I want my children to obey me quickly when it matters, I must require that they obey me when it, seemingly, doesn’t matter.

If I give orders but only require immediate obedience half the time, I will probably end up getting immediate obedience none of the time. But if I discipline consistently, they will obey consistently.

Notice I said “consistently,” not “perfectly.” Of course neither parent nor child is perfect. There are times when we must show grace to them, and sometimes to ourselves.

Still, generally speaking, if I call for my child to come to me so I can tie her shoe, I must require that she obeys. If she looks at me and runs the other way, I must do whatever it takes to make sure she obeys, even though I will likely have to go to her and bring her back to the spot where she first heard me give the command. The next time something similar happens, I must give a consequence to the child. Otherwise, I’m doing all the running and the child is in control.

This all takes time. It takes energy. It is not easy. But that’s what it takes to be consistent. And consistency is what it takes to train your children to obey promptly.

If your children are frequently delaying their obedience, stop repeating your commands and check your consistency. Are you frequently giving instructions and then deciding it isn’t worth the trouble to make sure the kids obey? In such a case it is a thousand times better not to give the command at all than to retract it because they didn’t obey it.

Often it is in stressful times that obedience is really important. Insisting on obedience only during stressful moments leads to angry parenting. So, some time when you’re not stressed, when you’re free to focus on it, set up conditions for practice. Test your children. There’s nothing wrong with creating an opportunity to train your children to obey.

There will be times when we parents give a command and then regret it. Just be honest with your child and say that you’ve changed your mind and give them the amended instructions. Apologize if necessary. But remember that your children need you to be the authority figure in their lives. In learning to obey their parents, they are ultimately learning how to obey God.


And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I love my children so much and I truly want what’s best for them. Help me to stay mindful of my responsibility to train them up in the way that they should go, and give me the wisdom and strength to be lovingly consistent. I pray that they will grow up to be faithful servants in Your kingdom. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

by Christie Cole Atkins