Women Can Be Jerks Too

It’s better to stay outside on the roof of your house than to live inside with a nagging wife.
Proverbs 21:9 CEV

I’ve noticed a new narrative (at least it’s new to me) floating around about Bathsheba, the woman with whom David committed adultery. It challenges the idea that Bathsheba was a willing participant, proposing instead that the king saw her, lusted after her, had her brought to him, and took her. The Bible doesn’t say, but it could be that Bathsheba loved Uriah and was horrified at what happened. We know that in ancient times women had few rights, though the law of Moses included some important protections for them. Ever since the fall in Eden, women have been at the mercy of the men around them.

What we women in modern times have done through feminism is sort of collectively rage against all of the mistreatment of women throughout history.

And even if our husbands are basically good fellas and have never laid a violent hand on us, we have now been empowered by the cultural trend to lash out over every little thing that does not please us.

Men are jerks. That is our slogan, our rallying cry.

First of all, if you have a son (or nephew or brother), you better be careful about uttering the statement, “Men are jerks.” Yes, he might overhear you, but even if he doesn’t, how is allowing that sentiment to take root in your heart going to affect your relationship with him over time, as he grows into one of those horrid men? Yes, train him to treat women with respect and kindness. But when he does, unfortunately in our culture the chances are that his modern wife will seethe at him for leaving the toilet seat up and call him a jerk anyway.

Furthermore, when a woman gets married (though so many are now rejecting marriage it’s frightening, but that’s a topic for another post), she becomes one with her husband. If she calls him a jerk, she is insulting and wounding a part of herself. And such words often create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell him he’s a jerk often enough, and he just might start acting like one. Or he’ll act like one more and more. Wise women know better than to tear their houses down with their own hands (or in this case, words; Proverbs 14:1).

Good marriages are good because both parties treat the other with respect and kindness. I can’t help but wonder how many women divorce their husbands, posting memes identifying the traits of narcissists, and yet behind closed doors they have been raging openly at their husbands, not because they committed adultery but because of a spiral of negative communication to which the wives themselves contributed. Men are human. When we rage against them, very few of them are going to respond in perfect Christian charity. Do we want to bring out the jerk in them so we can prove our claim? Wouldn’t it be better to bring out the knight in shining armor? And how could we do that if we made it our goal?

We women must begin to look at what we are contributing to the problem, the problem in society and the problem in our homes. Yes, the husband is the head of the home and so he should lead in being respectful and kind. But even if he doesn’t, even if some do not obey as they should, Peter tells us to win them “without words,” by our godly behavior (I Peter 3:1 NIV).

Jesus didn’t wait for us to “treat him right” before he would sacrifice for us. It is a sacrifice to treat any person with kindness if they have been unkind to you. It is especially a sacrifice, of pride as much as anything, to treat one’s spouse this way.

Some women in the Bible– women like Bathsheba, Tamar, Hagar, and Esther– had interactions with men that are particularly shocking and offensive. When you look at women’s history, clearly women have not always been treated well by men.

But when we women treat men, even good men, with contempt, we are not imitating Christ, and we make ourselves part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to be thankful for the men in my life and empower me to edify them with love and encouragement. Help me to have the wisdom to build up my house rather than to tear it down. And may I be willing to make the first move of love toward others who may not deserve it, as that is exactly what You did for me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

by Christie Cole Atkins