For Those Who Are Contemplating Divorce

Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find? The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them.
Proverbs 20:6-7 (NIV)

I know, I know. Divorce is so commonplace, even among Christians, that we’ve just about given up teaching on the topic.

But hear me out, because God’s commands are for our good. If you’re struggling in your marriage, if you’re contemplating divorce, if you’ve been asking for a sign as to whether you should go or stay, this post is for you.

Consider:

Getting a divorce often proves in some ways to be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, as they say. You may solve one set of problems but create a new set, worse than the first. If you have kids, they will spend the rest of childhood shuttled back and forth between two homes and two sets of rules. You’ll still be co-parent with your former spouse, and even after the kids are grown, for the rest of your lives all of you will have to deal with the complicated questions of holidays and birthdays and such. You’ll likely never really be free from your ex.

Furthermore God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). That doesn’t mean he will hate you if you choose that path, but such strong language ought to give us serious pause when thinking of ending a marriage.

The only time I can see that God actually approved of divorce was in the days of Ezra (Ezra 10) when many Israelites had taken foreign wives, apparently unaware that the law of Moses forbade such. But in 1 Corinthians 7:12 and following, Christians are commanded not to leave an unbelieving spouse.

Jesus did give permission to divorce in cases of adultery (Matthew 5:32 and 19:9), but I would still encourage a great deal of counsel first in such cases. There are many beautiful stories of redeemed marriages out there.

So often what leads us to thoughts of divorce is not adultery but simply a cycle of conflict that we don’t know how to break. And so often what we come to hate about our spouse is just another form of the thing we loved in the first place:

She needed rescuing and I was her knight in shining armor. But now she seems weak and pathetic.

He let me run the show, but now he won’t step up when I need him to lead.

She was so much fun, so carefree, but now we have no savings and the house is always mess.

He took care of me and took care of everything so I didn’t have to. But now he’s always insisting on his own way.

She helped me get my life together and taught me how to be responsible, but now I find her boring.

As Dr. Laura Schlessinger used to point out— this is the person you chose. And the greatest irony is how often people end up re-marrying someone very much like the spouse they divorced. Without considering the roots of the problems in their marriage, they are doomed to repeat them.

There’s a book out there titled Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference, by Dr. Larry Crabb. The first half of the book is about how important it is to consider one’s own sin before dragging a spouse down into divorce. And if Dr. Crabb had said it once, you would think, yes, that’s true, good point; now, tell me how to fix my spouse! But in different words he repeats the idea over and over, until it forces you to actually do what he proposes– to start focusing on your own faults rather than your spouse’s. It’s actually good advice for any difficult relationship.

Marriage is a tool God can use to mold us into better people, but we forfeit that opportunity about half the time because we let Satan fool us into focusing on what we don’t like about the other person. We forget that our spouse’s soul is at stake, and so is our own.

Marriage is hard, I know. I know. But as the wise meme says, so is divorce. “Choose your hard.” Don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Rather trust that God’s commands are for our good.

Dear God, I pray for Your blessings on the marriages of Your people. And when we struggle please send your holy angels to fight the forces of Satan that tempt us to think divorce is the answer. Please fight with us, O God, for our marriages. And help those who may have lost hope to believe once again that You can build something beautiful from the rubble of our brokenness. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

by Christie Cole Atkins