Overcoming Bitterness

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

When I was a teen, I didn’t really know what the word bitterness meant. I felt dislike for certain people, sure. But as far as I knew, I had never felt bitterness toward anyone.

Then one day as an adult (probably around age 40) I said something, in front of my teenage niece no less, that was sarcastic and negative. Somehow, in that moment, I knew that I was bitter.

And suddenly I also understood why bitterness is condemned in the New Testament. It’s just so cynical and ugly.

Now, our preacher says that we don’t have to hide our emotions from God. And you’ll hear people say that a person is entitled to their feelings. Counselors tell us that our feelings are valid. Where does that leave us when it comes to bitterness? Isn’t bitterness a feeling? And if so, does that justify it?

The apostle Peter described bitterness as poison (Acts 8:23). So if it is an emotion, it’s not one we want to hold on to for long.

My dictionary defines bitterness as anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly; resentment. In my opinion, that doesn’t quite capture it. Bitterness comes from dwelling on our hurts over time. It certainly isn’t wrong to lament if we’ve been disappointed or even to be angry if we’ve been treated unfairly. But when we allow anger or disappointment to fester and ferment, eventually we become bitter, thinking of ourselves as victims. Someone may victimize us, and indeed everyone must endure unfairness at times, but that should not define us. Ultimately we are not victims. We are more than conquerors (Romans 8:31-39)!

Antidotes to bitterness therefore include dwelling on good things (Philippians 4:8) rather than on our hurts. Another remedy would be thankfulness, even in suffering (Acts 5:41; Colossians 3:12-15). Ephesians 4:31-32 connects the idea of forgiveness to the putting off of bitterness. If someone really has wronged me, I need to trust that God will provide justice in the end; then again, I have also wronged others so perhaps I should pray my enemies find mercy as well. Hmmmm… that reminds me, we’re also supposed to pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:44).

One other less comfortable mode of dealing with bitterness is to take an honest look at why I am suffering. Am I suffering because of the sins of others? If I bear it like Christ, I can bring glory to God. (I Peter 3:21-23, 4:19; Rom. 12:19-21). Is my suffering an attack from Satan? Is he trying to cause me to compromise my faith (Job 1-2)? Is my suffering an opportunity for God to be glorified as in the case of the blind man in John 9? All of these are possible, but there is one more question I must consider: Am I suffering because of my own sin? Did I contribute to the problem that I’m now dwelling on in bitterness?

The comment I made in front of my niece that revealed to my heart its own bitterness was some cynical remark about marriage. Did I have a right to complain about that? I could certainly argue that I did. I guarantee there have been times when my husband has been thoughtless, rude, and selfish. Sometimes he has said hurtful things. Nevermind that he could fairly charge me with ALL the same things. Being bitter is easier, and frankly, more fun, than repentance.

But repent we must.

The Hebrew writer tells us to “[look] carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled,” (12:15). There’s a wicked kind of pleasure in bitterness, but it is poison. Anything that can spring up and cause me to fall short of the grace of God needs to be rooted out without excuse or delay!

Dear God, please reveal to me any bitterness that may be lurking in my heart and help me to cast it away. Help me not to dwell on my hurts but on my blessings. Where I have been wronged, help me to forgive. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

by Christie Cole Atkins