He Said, She Said

And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:4-6

Selfish
Angry
Controlling
Inflexible
Thoughtless
Self-centered
Rude
Arrogant
Prideful
Stubborn

This is a list of words that describe my…husband… oh wait, I’m.. sorry (rifling through papers).. that’s the wrong… Oh! I apologize! This is the list of words my husband made to describe me. The lists are easy to mix up, you see, because.. (ahem) they’re… almost identical. Heh, heh, funny… isn’t it?

(Puffing up again) Well, the big difference in our two lists is that he’s wrong! And I’m right. …But wait, that’s what he always says. Makes me so mad when he says that! Just proves how… (quietly trailing off) arrogant he is……..

I heard a story once about a young couple that was having marital problems. At the marriage counselor’s request, they each wrote down all the things about the other that drove them crazy. At the next session they both had a long list in hand.

The counselor took the two lists, read them quietly, and then tore them to bits. Then he told each of them to write down all the good things about the other. The end of the story was that they framed those two hand-written lists and hung them above their bed where they continued to hang for over fifty years.

Too many of us “frame” the first list and hang it over the bed, so to speak. And hang over the bed it does.

Indeed when we dwell on the negatives about our spouse, our other half, the one with whom we’re united in the sight of God, it hangs over every aspect of life, to one degree or another.

So often the things that annoy us about another person are traits that we ourselves possess. And since the only person I can ever force to change is myself, I might as well work on those faults in myself rather than trying to “fix” the other person. If I fixate on someone else’s pride and fail to address or perhaps even acknowledge my own, I am, very simply, a hypocrite.

But when it comes to marriage, my spouse isn’t just another person. He is part of me. Even if we were to divorce (God forbid), our lives would continue to be forever entwined through our children and grandchildren. So if I focus on his pride and ignore mine, in addition to hypocrisy I am now just a plain ol’ fool. Because how does it help anything to focus on the other person’s sins? Serious question. How does it help? After thirty-plus years of marriage, I have found it does no real or lasting good. It does harm, to him AND to me.

I don’t have to pretend someone else’s fault doesn’t exist or doesn’t cause problems. I never have to pretend with God. I can pour out my complaint before the Lord (Psalm 142:2). But at what point do I stop complaining? At what point do I turn the spotlight on myself and confess my sins to the Lord?

Any good relationship takes humility and commitment. The marriage relationship takes almost superhuman levels of both. It’s more than I can muster on my own. Without God’s commandments regarding marriage, I know I would have been divorced a long time ago. In any relationship, it’s so easy to blame the other person and justify the walls we put up and the bridges we tear down. We need all the Bible teaching we can get if we hope to counteract that sinful instinct.

A couple of years ago I wrote a list of ten affirmations about marriage. (I suppose I should frame them and hang them over the bed!) I wanted these positive statements to be true, so they are not a list of how perfect our marriage is. But they focus on the positive things that are sometimes true. They focus on God’s positive will for our relationship and on the progress He has helped us to make throughout the many years.

And the last one is an important reminder to myself, and maybe to you as well:

If I were to hurt my spouse, I would be hurting myself, too. When I bless my spouse, I am also blessing myself.

Dear Heavenly Father, so many times I have complained hypocritically about others. Help me to be more humble and willing to work on my own faults. And even when I am right about another person’s sin, help me to love that person as You love them. Help me not to give up on relationships too easily, especially my marriage, for I know that You do not command things that are impossible. Please bless the marriages of Your people through the power of Your Holy Spirit and our Lord Jesus Christ. In His name, Amen.

by Christie Cole Atkins

P.S. To find the rest of my affirmations for marriage, click the link for “Extras” at the top.